Equanimity

Last year started with a Facebook post. I had noticed a large number of people commenting on how excited they were for 2012 to end and 2013 to begin because it had been a rough year for them. I was struck by the idea that changing date was somehow going to change circumstance. I was also struck by the idea that despite each persons personal tribulations and losses these people were still accessing Facebook (many through a smartphone) so obviously there was something to be grateful for right? So, I posted that I had decided to make 2013 my year of gratitude. That when I found myself slipping into that vortex of focusing on what is wrong, my sorrows and my losses I will also spend time inventorying that which is going right, my joys and my abundances. Overall, many commented on the positivity of the post and expressed a similar sentiment of wanting to go into the new year with a positive view. Some people felt that I was trivializing their struggles. That was not my intent and really all I could do is hope their path would become easier.

So here it is, then end of 2013 and my "year of gratitude" experiment. There were blows last year. But I'm not going to list them. Instead I am going to sum the inventories I took several times through the year. We had shelter and food and clothing. We had jobs that both provided and served others. We had family. Overall, we have health and for those issues we do suffer we had care. We have friends and community. We have much more than others and lets be honest, some of it is sheer luck. Some of it is our own work. But even that I should be grateful for because I know many who work hard but were not afforded certain opportunities and therefore still lack despite effort. I know people who have bad health at a relatively young age. I know many without family or family support or who are transient at this time and lack community.

Truly this mundane life of 9-5, kids and school, grocery shopping and laundry with each day ending in a bed to get up and do it again tomorrow is a magical blessing.

So, looking into 2014 I know I can improve my life and the lives of those around me by continuing to practice gratitude. But what else can I do to increase to improve life for my family and my professional life? That is actually easy to answer. I need to work on developing equanimity.

Although grateful, I am not always peaceful and calm. I become easily irritated with my kids. Yell way too much. I let difficult personalities knock me off balance and let stress slow me through its weight. When things go wrong I lose precious time getting my emotions under control OR worse yet trying to get the emotions of others under control after my emotions have deepened their imbalance (Noah and Runa in particular). Truth is I cause most of my own suffering through my reactions to the circumstances around me. My suffering is then transmitted to others via my mood. This needs work.

The year of gratitude helped me cultivate the first natural step toward this in that I have learned to ground the struggles. Sure Runa needed her tonsils out and new tubes BUT we could provide her the care to have it done well. Sure the dishwasher broke...twice...but we had one to break. Instantly big things were easier to accept and move on from. But those little things (and little peoples) like whining, fighting over toys, always wanting new toys and me tripping over toys, a messy house, the never ending laundry, and the stresses of work are harder to ground at any given moment.

But if I can cultivate equanimity perhaps, just like the gratitude, it will begin to permeate into others. Maybe if I can cultivate peace within my kids will begin to mirror me. Maybe if I can be calm during difficulties, others around me will do the same or at least rely on me to be the calm while they storm. That is fine too.

I'm going to approach this on three fronts. First will be meditation, obviously, but I have decided to start journaling my mediation. This is a technique I have been reading about others doing on forums and it sounds interesting. Second will be study. Much of my reading and study over the years has focused on the precepts and principles. Now I will focus on practice. I have already identified a few books to start with. Again, coupled with journaling. And third will be concentrated practice.

Consciously trying to stay calm. Identifying triggers that cause me to struggle with emotional control. Reflecting on what my reaction looks like from the outside and even considering what I ingest an how it might be causing hormonal or chemical highs and lows and attempting to regulate dietary choices.

I'm done with New Year resolutions. Each moment is a chance to resolve to be different. So as I move forward and fail I will make sure to in that moment again resolve to succeed the next time. Every second is a new year if that is the second you resolve to try again.

Christmas....I'm doing it wrong

For me the holidays really start with Halloween because I LOVE Halloween.

Next comes a family "holiday" in Noah's birthday. He turned five shortly before Thanksgiving. The theme was Angry Birds. The gifts were Angry Birds. The cake was Angry Birds. Then comes Thanksgiving and this year that happened to be Husband's birthday as well. He did not get an Angry Bird cake. But Prezzy the Elf did appear with our Christmas tree the following day.

We celebrated Bodhi Day as a family. They received new children's books that teach about meditation and the Buddha. We made Bodhi cookies in the shapes of the star and Bodhi leaves. There was quite a bit of snow that day so we also got some sledding done. That night at dinner (that included rice of course) we discussed what we were grateful for. Runa was grateful for her dinner and Noah was grateful for... wait for it.... angry birds.

And now Christmas is a week away. I want the days to slow down just a little. I want to enjoy every minute of holiday bliss. Which is counter to my kids who feel that time cannot pass quickly enough. Memories are permanent now and I am trying to make so many good ones for them. I am trying to make sure they get quality time with all their loved ones. I'm trying to make the perfect Christmas atmosphere and I am trying to hard. I know this because when the moment isn't as magical as it was in my head I get upset.

I have spent time remembering my own childhood the past couple days. What do I remember most? I certainly remember Christmas mornings and Christmas Day at Grandma's. But it's not really the gifts I remember. It's stuff like the star Christmas lights my parents had in the picture window in the livingroom. The food fight at grandma's that got most of us in trouble. Walking home from the bus stop and seeing the decorations. My dad getting off early on Christmas Eve and getting to spend more time with us. The anticipation of Christmas break. Sledding down the hill near my parents house.

But if I take it a step further I find that those are a small fraction of my childhood memories. In fact most of my memories about the more mundane things. Playing in my room with my off white bedroom furniture and the smell of the lilacs outside. Our swing set and sandbox in the back yard. Helping my dad in the garden and our pet rabbits having babies. The kittens born in the shed. Riding bikes and playing with friends in the neighborhood and catching fireflies. Watching meteor showers in the driveway. I literally have hundreds of random memories of just little everyday things we did growing up.

Sure, I remember some of the bad stuff too. Poor choices on my part or when money was tight and the strife of just growing up. But overall those are very much eclipsed by the other stuff.

I need to slow down and stop trying to create that "perfect memory" and let the memories create themselves. I need to trust my children to assign importance to the moment in their own way. For whatever reason I seem to feel an urgency during this time of year. And then I project that urgency out on to everyone else and now we are all stressed out. Are my kids going to fondly look back on the Christmas cookie baking that I was upset they weren't participating or are they more likely to remember that random Tuesday night when we all played with finger paints at the table? I don't know if I ever made Christmas cookies with my parents but I certainly remember going fishing with my mom or playing with the Legos in the kitchen with my dad. And while I do remember the one Christmas dinner food fight, I remember dozens of just regular family dinners at home.

It was a good exercise as a parent to "inventory" my memories. In a way it was my Christmas gift because it will allow me to relax a bit on the "perfect Christmas" front and focus more on the mundane. And I will never under value that walk we took, that tent we built from sheets or the dance tickle game ever again.

Not feeling the Buddhism today

So, I'm sick. I'm not a whiny sick person. I'm a grumpy sick person. But at this second I am an extremely pissed off sick person because of this:

http://www.today.com/moms/swapping-letters-candy-trick-or-treat-8C11493000

Video that includes interview and expert opinion: http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/living/2013/10/30/pkg-north-dakota-halloween-obesity-letter.kxjb-kvly.html

A woman in North Dakota has taken it upon herself to make the determination which kids are "obese" in her "opinion" and had them letters indicating as such and basically telling the parents not to let their kids have the Halloween candy.

How many times have you seen the sheer pain in the eyes of a child who has been hurt by words? That is a pain that cuts me to the bone. Like I have recently tried to explain to my soon to be five year old son "words last forever".

Does she really think she will motivate a child this way. Does she think her petty little opinion and letter will be the "wake up call" a parent needs. Does she think that a parent will read this and say "Oh miss Nosey Bitchy Pants says my kid is fat, I should do something about that!" Does she think she is doing something kind and good? DOES SHE THINK AT ALL???

Because if she did think wouldn't the thought about the number of bullied kids committing suicide cross her mind?

I get so conflicted at moments like this because I am angry.  I think I am justifiably angry and while Buddhism tells me to let go of that anger because it causes me more harm, I cannot and DO NOT want to let go of it! Because as soon as I let go of it another bully wins to apathy.

What to do with a woman like this?

Well, here is my idea. This town needs to get a line of people to stand outside her house and steer the children away from this Halloween's wicked witch. As they do so they should put loving messages in each child's pail letting them know each child is unique to the universe. A wall of love and protection to keep the nasty bully at bay. Let Halloween pass her by without any cute goblins knocking on her door.

She is right. It does take a village to raise a child and in this case protect them from the village idiot.

The longest inner dialogue about a smiling goat ever

We made our traditional venture to the orchard this past weekend. I call it traditional because we have been there every year for the past three years. I have three years of pictures from this place that I treasure because it's a mini record of them growing up. I had to work for the smiles this year since sitting still isn't their thing. But at the end of the day I was excited to look through the pictures to see what I had since I was expecting some great smiles. I was flipping through shot after shot on my screen when I saw it... a picture of a goat... smiling at me.

I'm attaching the shot at the end. Trust me I would not write this blog without sharing what might be the coolest, funniest, creepiest picture of a smiling goat ever. His eyes are closed, his mouth curled in the slightest smile, his teeth just barely showing. He is the happiest goat on the face of the planet. He has that "enlightened" look. AND that folks is the thought that started the longest inner dialog about a smiling goat ever. It went like this:

Can a goat be enlightened?
Does a dog have Buddha Nature?
Mu.
No, Baaaaa.
Ha ha that's funny, but seriously...
The goat cannot be enlightened because he has been born an animal so he is a lower birth.
You must have the fortunate human birth for enlightenment right? But wait, what is so unfortunate about this goat's birth.
He lives on an apple orchard as part of the petting zoo. 
He spends his days being hand fed treats from kids who pet him and scratch his ears.
He has a nice grassy enclosure he shares with his fellow goat friends.
He is living the high life as livestock go.
I mean what about his current incarnation is UNFORTUNATE?
I'm kind of jealous of this goat's life of leisure.
In fact, I am damn near convinced he reached nirvana and when asked where to go from here he picked "petting zoo goat".

At this point I realized I had spent entirely too much time thinking about the Buddha nature or lack there of in the smiling goat. What matters is I have a picture of the happiest goat you will ever meet and he makes me smile.

I am a hypocrite

This morning started out good. There was some cuddle time, PBS shows, pancakes and bagels and general calm. Then came time to get dressed and go to preschools. The fact that clothing wasn't optional became a huge sticking point. Cooperation was something that only happened in the movies. Mom, I don't care that it's going to be 76 degrees today, I want to wear fleece EVERYTHING! And suddenly there it was, five minutes before we have to be at Noah's preschool and we are getting out the door. Now, small town Iowa means preschool is 6 blocks away but still....

It was crisp outside, like fall should be, and there was a breeze. As a result of that breeze leaves were cascading off the hickory tree. It was a beautiful peaceful sight so I pointed it out to the kids. They immediately ran into the leaf shower and danced and laughed about how pretty it was and tried to catch falling leaves. The morning stress melted away and by the time I was marching Noah into his classroom we were talking about fall and seasons and snow that he is anticipating. The morning was reclaimed and calm restored.

Preschoolers are exhausting. Emotionally and physically and while I LOVE being a mother to my twosome, I have moments that feel just like I am utterly failing. And most of them stem from what I perceive to be my biggest flaw as a mother....I yell.

Um, what? Wait a second there so called "Buddhist Mom"....you YELL?

Hypocrite!

Ya, I agree and that is pretty much what my inner voice is YELLING at me the entire time when I find myself yelling. I'm constantly reading about new techniques and coping mechanisms. I'm always looking for the magic fix that lets me be the calm serene mother who rules the roost with love and equanimity. It doesn't exist. What I need is hard work. What I need is to really focus on a long term behavioral change on my part. Recently, I found The Orange Rhino Challenge and after reading her posts (which sound like my inner dialog) I realized this isn't about creating some wonderful utopia of a family, this is about controlling myself. Starting with letting go of that attachment to the utopia that frankly does not exist.

I'm not quite ready to start the challenge. I'm working at preparing mantras and such to hang up around my home. I'm working on establishing ground rules for myself and the kids in hopes that they are old enough to understand that Mommy is going to try and change this but it would help if they could participate as well. But I would like to engage in this challenge before the holidays. I think of it as a present to myself.

Anyone else who is interested can find more info here:  http://theorangerhino.com/

Milestones just inches apart

Milestones. These should be spaced a ways apart right? It feels like right now we are moving at light speed and hitting milestones everyday.

Noah started community preschool three weeks ago. He has already managed to get sent out of the classroom for his talking and boundary testing. Part of me was prepared for this with Noah. He likes to do his own thing and still likes to be center of attention. He is extremely sociable and loves to play with others as long as he is the leader. He is also competitive. All traits that might serve him well later in life but in preschool, without the emotional maturity to rear in those impulses and without empathy for others developed quite yet, well these traits work against him.

So we have started spending time discussing the precepts. I'm trying to water them down to a kid level. Once we get there and I can simplify them I plan on creating a hanging for our family room. I also gifted Noah with his own Buddha for his room. I think I might buy a child Buddha for each of them to keep in their rooms.

Runa has started 3 year preschool. She only goes two days a week in the morning but I have to say I am so happy we are doing this. She has the potential to be introverted in groups (much like her mommy) to the point of shy. I am hoping this will ease her into the transition into public school next year. The night before her first day was rough. She was scared and it came out in the form of tears at bedtime. She didn't want to leave mommy or her daycare provider. She was scared to be alone. But the teacher there is good and it quickly dawned on Rue that here was another person who would protect her and take care of her. She loves the arts and crafts part and feels so big walking in with her backpack.

Mommy also shed tears over this transition. A year ago when this was Noah starting I was amazed at how easy it was to watch my little man march on in there undaunted by this change. Runa was hesitant but I could see her mustering her bravery and left before it failed her. But leaving my baby there was hard this time. I think this might be the way it is with me.

So now we are heading into fall. The weather is finally turning, my favorite time of the year is coming. The career craziness of summer slows while the family craziness of the school year ramps up. There are holidays and birthdays and fall days and snow days to come. The oven will be turned on along with football. Ahhh, the fall and winter just make me happy. Granted there will be days where kids are sick of being inside but we are working up plans for those days.

I look at them daily and marvel in their growth. It's easy to look forward to winter when you have children since in them you can see the spring.

Those days are over

One of the reason writing this blog seems tedious to me is because I wanted to keep the anonymity of my children safe. But in all honesty I think only facebook friends who get to see pictures of them on an hourly basis so that is silly. So the days of just calling them Bug and Bear are over but that lets me tell the stories of their names.

Bug is Noah Bug. We actually do call him Bug or "the Bug". He got the name a couple days after he was born when I had him swaddled in a green blanket and he had just finished eating and would make this this squished content face. We called it the "milk coma" but really he looked like a cartoon caterpillar. So he became the Noah Bug. I was pregnant with him through the floods of '08 which reeked havoc on our lives for a few weeks. Twice I had to leave work early to make sure I got past the road about to be closed. We bought a house then and I had to take a crazy way home to make it to the inspection and literally watched in my rear view mirror as the water overtook a bridge I just drove across. So as we sat in the sonogram room drinking bottled water because the flooding had tainted city supplies and heard "it's a boy" it just seemed fitting that Noah was the name.

Runa Bear is so fitting. She can be cuddly as a teddy or grumpy as grizzly out of hibernation. We alternate between calling her a care bear and making jokes about "don't poke the bear". The name Runa has Scandinavian and Norwegian roots like her daddy. The combined meanings mean keeper of nature's lore. I loved that the second I heard it. And where did I hear this name? On HGTV. Stop laughing. It was a reality house hunting show and the woman looking for a home was named Runa. The husband and I looked at each other and knew we had the girl name. Mind you this was during Noah's pregnancy before we knew he was a he. We re-thought Runa as the birth drew nearer. We were worried we were saddling her with a bully magnet. But most people seem to really like her name. It drives me nuts when it gets mispronounced (it's Roo-Nah but so many say Run-Nah) but hey I gave her an unusual name right?

So the days of anonymity are over but I will surely still refer to them as Bug and Bear because well, they answer to that.

Want to know what other days are over???? The days of diapers.

I have two fully potty trained kids now. And in about 30 days Noah starts public preschool and Runa starts private. I'm in awe of time these days. Another summer of fun comes to a close and now on to fall so quickly it seems.

Now about food waste. It really seems to have increased with the summer months. I throw out a lot of veggies we didn't get to, lettuce that browned, and it seems like dinner leftovers get tossed more often. I think this is because I make less baked stuff that keeps and we are eating more locally grown stuff that doesn't keep as well. So I certainly know what to research this winter.

I am slowly making my way through "The Way of the Bodhisattva" cover to cover. Not an easy read and not a feel good read either. More like "let's point out every way you fall short". I am collecting some notes as I go and will be sharing those.

Happy August.

hello again

To be honest, its not that life got busy or I negelected this blog for something else, it's that I walked away from it when I realized it was quickly becoming something other than what I had intended.

I had wanted to start a blog about being a Buddhist mom in the midwest. Then I added in my approaching fortieth year. Then I started tracking food loss. The last entry I wrote but never posted was all about photography. I found myself wondering if my topics are all over the place because i really don't have anything to say. I'm probably boring everyone who reads this and that is where I sat for a few weeks.

Recently, I remembered why I launched this blog in the first place. It was for me. In hopes of finding other fellow stumblers along the paths of Buddhism and parenthood. Well, turns out I am looking for other fellow midlifers I think. I am looking for others who are trying to find the balance and the bliss and whatever else occupies our minds at the moment.

Arising thoughts, put on line, pass like clouds. Some Buddhist humor for you.

Anyway, I am back to blogging. Mostly about the bear and the bug. Maybe about my search for the Buddha. I'm sure I will discuss food since I love it. Photography for the same reason. And a whole bunch of other clouds that cross my sky

In focus

A family portrait

I haven’t abandoned the blog. It’s been a crazy kick off to the year. The husband got promoted, the bug got croup and the bear got an adenoidectomy. The longer hours for the husband and the recovery times for the kids mean I got busy.

We had wonderful holidays. Right before Christmas a blizzard hit and just like that we got our white Christmas despite the drought. Prior to that had been so mild and dry that I was wondering if winter was going to appear at all. But turns out that mild and dry spell was good for one reason.

During Bug’s party my mother in law said all she wanted for Christmas was a family portrait from us. We had one family shot taken when the bear was 3 months old. It was at a box studio and frankly it was horrible. Being the type of photographer I am, I hate the standard back drop studios. I am seeing a lot of original studio work these days I love and plan on modeling my own studio after but my favorite backdrop is nature.

So I hit the park near our home, staged the shot, metered and blocked and then enlisted the help of someone familiar with my camera to hit the shutter. The result is something I love. The smiles aren’t forced. The heads aren’t exactly positioned. We are in sweaters and jackets. Our hair (those of us that have it) is a little wind swept.

We look like us.

We don’t look like we have been squished into a tiny room under the glare of lights, forced to sit on uncomfortable chairs and hold the kids who want to be anywhere but there. My kids love being outside. They love breathing room and sunshine and the camera loves it too.

Additionally, I was excited to give something so personally from me. I chose the spot and processed the photo and the framed the prints. This was truly a gift from the heart because that is what I poured into the project.

The focus of the year

I have nicknamed this the year of “compassion and gratitude” because that is what I want our family to focus on the most this year. I want to start instilling in the kids a sense of gratitude for what they have and receive. I also want to start teaching them compassion by introducing them to the idea that not all kids have the life they do.

Don’t get me wrong. We are middle class and we struggle sometimes. We go without vacations and the newest television or computer. We buy as much used as we can. But the basics are there and our kids are provided for including their entertainment and toys.

I was thinking about this the weeks leading up to 2013 and something that struck me was how many times a day I would overhear someone say or see someone post how excited they were that 2012 was ending and 2013 beginning because 2012 had been a rough year. So instead of deciding to make year of compassion and gratitude just about teaching my kids something, I am making this a family thing.

Because I truly believe that if we practice gratitude and compassion we will find ourselves moving into each new year with a bit more optimism. We might know what we lost the year before but we will have also kept a running list of what we gained by practicing gratitude. And we will know we are blessed when we reach out to those less fortunate than us in our practice of compassion.

Two quotes for today:

Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.
John Milton

 

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
Dalai Lama