Equanimity

Last year started with a Facebook post. I had noticed a large number of people commenting on how excited they were for 2012 to end and 2013 to begin because it had been a rough year for them. I was struck by the idea that changing date was somehow going to change circumstance. I was also struck by the idea that despite each persons personal tribulations and losses these people were still accessing Facebook (many through a smartphone) so obviously there was something to be grateful for right? So, I posted that I had decided to make 2013 my year of gratitude. That when I found myself slipping into that vortex of focusing on what is wrong, my sorrows and my losses I will also spend time inventorying that which is going right, my joys and my abundances. Overall, many commented on the positivity of the post and expressed a similar sentiment of wanting to go into the new year with a positive view. Some people felt that I was trivializing their struggles. That was not my intent and really all I could do is hope their path would become easier.

So here it is, then end of 2013 and my "year of gratitude" experiment. There were blows last year. But I'm not going to list them. Instead I am going to sum the inventories I took several times through the year. We had shelter and food and clothing. We had jobs that both provided and served others. We had family. Overall, we have health and for those issues we do suffer we had care. We have friends and community. We have much more than others and lets be honest, some of it is sheer luck. Some of it is our own work. But even that I should be grateful for because I know many who work hard but were not afforded certain opportunities and therefore still lack despite effort. I know people who have bad health at a relatively young age. I know many without family or family support or who are transient at this time and lack community.

Truly this mundane life of 9-5, kids and school, grocery shopping and laundry with each day ending in a bed to get up and do it again tomorrow is a magical blessing.

So, looking into 2014 I know I can improve my life and the lives of those around me by continuing to practice gratitude. But what else can I do to increase to improve life for my family and my professional life? That is actually easy to answer. I need to work on developing equanimity.

Although grateful, I am not always peaceful and calm. I become easily irritated with my kids. Yell way too much. I let difficult personalities knock me off balance and let stress slow me through its weight. When things go wrong I lose precious time getting my emotions under control OR worse yet trying to get the emotions of others under control after my emotions have deepened their imbalance (Noah and Runa in particular). Truth is I cause most of my own suffering through my reactions to the circumstances around me. My suffering is then transmitted to others via my mood. This needs work.

The year of gratitude helped me cultivate the first natural step toward this in that I have learned to ground the struggles. Sure Runa needed her tonsils out and new tubes BUT we could provide her the care to have it done well. Sure the dishwasher broke...twice...but we had one to break. Instantly big things were easier to accept and move on from. But those little things (and little peoples) like whining, fighting over toys, always wanting new toys and me tripping over toys, a messy house, the never ending laundry, and the stresses of work are harder to ground at any given moment.

But if I can cultivate equanimity perhaps, just like the gratitude, it will begin to permeate into others. Maybe if I can cultivate peace within my kids will begin to mirror me. Maybe if I can be calm during difficulties, others around me will do the same or at least rely on me to be the calm while they storm. That is fine too.

I'm going to approach this on three fronts. First will be meditation, obviously, but I have decided to start journaling my mediation. This is a technique I have been reading about others doing on forums and it sounds interesting. Second will be study. Much of my reading and study over the years has focused on the precepts and principles. Now I will focus on practice. I have already identified a few books to start with. Again, coupled with journaling. And third will be concentrated practice.

Consciously trying to stay calm. Identifying triggers that cause me to struggle with emotional control. Reflecting on what my reaction looks like from the outside and even considering what I ingest an how it might be causing hormonal or chemical highs and lows and attempting to regulate dietary choices.

I'm done with New Year resolutions. Each moment is a chance to resolve to be different. So as I move forward and fail I will make sure to in that moment again resolve to succeed the next time. Every second is a new year if that is the second you resolve to try again.

Christmas....I'm doing it wrong

For me the holidays really start with Halloween because I LOVE Halloween.

Next comes a family "holiday" in Noah's birthday. He turned five shortly before Thanksgiving. The theme was Angry Birds. The gifts were Angry Birds. The cake was Angry Birds. Then comes Thanksgiving and this year that happened to be Husband's birthday as well. He did not get an Angry Bird cake. But Prezzy the Elf did appear with our Christmas tree the following day.

We celebrated Bodhi Day as a family. They received new children's books that teach about meditation and the Buddha. We made Bodhi cookies in the shapes of the star and Bodhi leaves. There was quite a bit of snow that day so we also got some sledding done. That night at dinner (that included rice of course) we discussed what we were grateful for. Runa was grateful for her dinner and Noah was grateful for... wait for it.... angry birds.

And now Christmas is a week away. I want the days to slow down just a little. I want to enjoy every minute of holiday bliss. Which is counter to my kids who feel that time cannot pass quickly enough. Memories are permanent now and I am trying to make so many good ones for them. I am trying to make sure they get quality time with all their loved ones. I'm trying to make the perfect Christmas atmosphere and I am trying to hard. I know this because when the moment isn't as magical as it was in my head I get upset.

I have spent time remembering my own childhood the past couple days. What do I remember most? I certainly remember Christmas mornings and Christmas Day at Grandma's. But it's not really the gifts I remember. It's stuff like the star Christmas lights my parents had in the picture window in the livingroom. The food fight at grandma's that got most of us in trouble. Walking home from the bus stop and seeing the decorations. My dad getting off early on Christmas Eve and getting to spend more time with us. The anticipation of Christmas break. Sledding down the hill near my parents house.

But if I take it a step further I find that those are a small fraction of my childhood memories. In fact most of my memories about the more mundane things. Playing in my room with my off white bedroom furniture and the smell of the lilacs outside. Our swing set and sandbox in the back yard. Helping my dad in the garden and our pet rabbits having babies. The kittens born in the shed. Riding bikes and playing with friends in the neighborhood and catching fireflies. Watching meteor showers in the driveway. I literally have hundreds of random memories of just little everyday things we did growing up.

Sure, I remember some of the bad stuff too. Poor choices on my part or when money was tight and the strife of just growing up. But overall those are very much eclipsed by the other stuff.

I need to slow down and stop trying to create that "perfect memory" and let the memories create themselves. I need to trust my children to assign importance to the moment in their own way. For whatever reason I seem to feel an urgency during this time of year. And then I project that urgency out on to everyone else and now we are all stressed out. Are my kids going to fondly look back on the Christmas cookie baking that I was upset they weren't participating or are they more likely to remember that random Tuesday night when we all played with finger paints at the table? I don't know if I ever made Christmas cookies with my parents but I certainly remember going fishing with my mom or playing with the Legos in the kitchen with my dad. And while I do remember the one Christmas dinner food fight, I remember dozens of just regular family dinners at home.

It was a good exercise as a parent to "inventory" my memories. In a way it was my Christmas gift because it will allow me to relax a bit on the "perfect Christmas" front and focus more on the mundane. And I will never under value that walk we took, that tent we built from sheets or the dance tickle game ever again.