I haven’t seen the movie Bully yet. I actually don’t want to watch it but I will because I think it is important.
I’m sure I’m like many parents in that my tolerance for the news and even movies and books changed after having my children. I don’t read news stories about kidnapped or murdered children. I cry with every story about childhood cancer, accidents, natural disasters and war.
But then there are things like having the child who is a victim of the bully or being the parent whose kid grows up to be a bully. These seemingly preventable tragedies that we can’t seem to get a handle on as the news clearly points out. Why is this happening? Did school change? Did we change? Where is this break down starting?
And the problem bothers me on a two fold front. First is what if my kids get bullied? What if my kids are the school nerds? Then what?
Truth is I would rather my children be smart than athletic. I would rather they not be popular and have to deal with all the peer pressures that go with popularity. I wasn’t popular in school. I had a group of friends and we were generally ignored by the popular kids and bullies alike. We were just middle of the road invisible students. Sure there were occasional dramas and there was teenage angst and strife but overall public schooling for me wasn’t scarring. I got a standard education and went to college.
Thinking back I cannot remember anyone in particular who was picked on or bullied in school. Does that mean it didn’t happen? I actually don’t know. I cannot imagine it did not since just the socioeconomic difference in my school was broad. We had kids of doctors who made six figures going to school with kids who didn’t have electricity or clothes that fit. It was pretty mixed in that respect.
Is the fact that I didn’t see it part of the problem?
Or has it changed in the last 20 years?
I have to prepare for that possibility as a parent. So I do things like socialize my kids as best I can. They have playdates and friends. They are in daycare and soon I will be taking our son to a play and learn early preschool a couple days a week to get him familiarized with the idea of school. He has recently started asking to go to school.
I am going to enroll them in marital arts. Not just for the defense but for the discipline and exercise and interaction. It also teaches confidence.
My Bug is a sensitive soul. He loves animals, pleasing mom and dad and while he fights with his baby sister he gets upset when she is sick, hurt or sad. He is smart and has a good memory. Depending on who he grows into he might be the perfect target for a bully being that he is sensitive.
My Bear, well, she represents the other end of the spectrum. She is already assertive. She is determined. She still has stranger anxiety but I see that slipping away more and more as she quickly enters her terrible twos. It is fun to watch this strong little miss emerge and yet in the back of my head a voice says “how do I keep her from becoming a mean girl?”
What if Bug’s sensitivities make him lash out at others? What if Bear’s assertiveness makes her the target? It could go so many ways.
Parenting is confusing and scary when you look at the what if’s.
Anyway, we will be viewing Bully in our house eventually. Sure they are only 2 and 3 but the foundation that will help them navigate through obstacles starts now. I won’t bury my head in the sand in hopes that this goes away, or its better when they get there or that my kids won’t somehow be caught up in this type of behavior. I will prepare for this as best I can and monitor as they grow. Talk to their teachers, know the school administration and know other parents.
At this point the best I can do is raise my children in accordance with the Ten Paramita:
1. Giving or Generosity; *
2. Virtue, Ethics, Morality; *
3. Renunciation, letting go, not grasping;
4. Panna or Prajna "Wisdom" insight into the nature of reality; *
5. Energy, vigour, vitality, diligence; *
6. Patience or forbearance; *
7. Truthfulness;
8. Resolution, determination, intention;
9. Kindness, love, friendliness;
10. Equanimity.
The very goals I fall so short of myself many days.
2. Virtue, Ethics, Morality; *
3. Renunciation, letting go, not grasping;
4. Panna or Prajna "Wisdom" insight into the nature of reality; *
5. Energy, vigour, vitality, diligence; *
6. Patience or forbearance; *
7. Truthfulness;
8. Resolution, determination, intention;
9. Kindness, love, friendliness;
10. Equanimity.
Very insightful post. Lots to think about. I use our home as a "training ground." Siblings are really the first and closest social interactions for kids, and I think if we are there to navigate and coach them through those interactions, that will serve them well in the world. I'm not sure if the Paramita are in any sort of order, but that first one may be the most important and it develops empathy within children (and all of us) and a lack empathy may be a big source of bullying. It also builds self-confidence which can serve as bully armor.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and your comments. I also try to start with socialization at the home level. With them being so close in age there is a lot of coaching and refereeing these days but I try to let them work it out first. Generally, I wait a bit to see if they can compromise or work through whatever it the pressing issue of the time (which is usually a toy).
ReplyDeleteI don't believe the Paramita is considered a ranking of importance in those values but more just a listing of 10 things to focus on equally everyday.
Bully armor. I like that.
Isn't it funny how by teaching our kids right from wrong, we somehow learn things we'd forgotten and in turn, learn ourselves? Life seems to be a full circle experience these days. My kids have started teaching ME some of the things I've tried to instill in them. :)
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