The path to awesome

So I just started this blog and already I am neglecting it but there has been a major event underway in the house of the Bug and Bear….potty training!

It’s been over a year since Bug first went in the potty chair. We have had stops and starts. Bribes and sticker charts and books. We have tried pull ups, underwear and just finally resorted to letting him run naked in the house. We have videos about potty training. We have training potties in multiple rooms. We have stools and rings for the toilet. And still it didn’t seem to be a priority for him.

Then about two weeks ago he suddenly announced “I want to go to preschool!”

I said “great, but you have to be potty trained.”

He replied, “but Mommy, I AM potty trained”

Which was true to be honest. He knows his body’s signals, he knows what to do and when he wanted something (a candy, a cookie, a toy) he went through the motions just fine. Problem is Bug didn’t want to be bothered to stop playing. Most the time he was just fine in a diaper so he could go about his day without interruption. It was really frustrating but we didn’t want to make it a fight. After all, I don’t know any adults who aren’t potty trained. I’m sure he wasn’t destined to be the first.

Then this Monday morning he wakes up and asks for underwear. Well, it’s Thursday and we have had only two accidents. Both times he was able to stop himself and get to a bathroom to finish. By George I think we got it.

So last night I cautiously post on Facebook that the potty training seems to have finally stuck. And more than a few people messaged me wanting to know what I did to finally make it happen.

Truthfully….nothing. And that is what seems to make me happiest today. With Bug, I read all the “by x months your baby should be doing this, this and this.” Most the time he was right on track a few things he was really ahead and a few things he was behind. Inevitably those one or two things he was behind on would stress me out and become a topic of conversation at the doctor’s office. Generally, our doctor would be very patient and reassuring that Bug was progressing great and not to worry. A couple times he basically told me to calm down.  

I’m much more relaxed with Bear (who at two has no desire to potty train so I will assume we are still 18 months out for her too).

So this week our little Bug officially turned 3 and a half AND might have taken a big step on the “Big Boy Path”. But I took a big step on the mommy path this week in finally realizing that it’s his path to walk and he needs to walk it at his own pace. He will get where he is going and is way too cool for that destination not to be awesome.

What if the teacher doesn't appear?

Mother’s Day is coming up so in that spirit today I am going to focus on me for a second. More specifically, my practice and the obstacles I find myself encountering.

I live in the middle of Iowa. Pretty much literally the middle (there is a nearby town called State Center). I am close to a university with a study/meditation group who meet during odd hours easily kept by students, not so much by working moms. The nearest true Mediation/Dharma Center is two hours away. So even just going one day a month means giving up the precious Saturday or Sunday I spend with my kids. My working is an economic necessity for my family. I am very possessive of those hours that are all mine.

So I have received no real instruction. Sure before the kids I went to see talks and attended a meditation group and went to seminars. But that was years ago and there was no one on one transmission, just large group work. My entire path has been guided by what I read in books and online sources like Buddhist Geeks. I love Buddhist Geeks by the way and if you haven’t checked them out I highly recommend taking an afternoon to get acquainted with them.

This lack of formal instruction has become an occasional source of angst for me.

Most times it is just a fleeting thought. I will think about it when I hear a speaker introduced and hear their course of study or lineage of teachers. It will pass quickly because something else will pop up to take its place be it kid related or work related or husband related.

However, there are other times this will fixate in my mind for longer and take up headspace for a few days.  I find this happens most during the spring and fall when the world around me is transitioning while I am seemingly standing still. During those times restlessness for deeper understanding crops up and suddenly meditation is harder. With these periods of time I find that as the landscape around me stabilizes and takes on its perma-brown of winter or perma-green of summer the angst fades away and I too become calmer.

During these periods I find myself thinking about the Buddha as a person. Those days just prior to and directly after enlightenment must have been lonely I think. There were no teachers or books or internet prior to his awakening to help he develop his mindfulness and then when he did find enlightenment, there he was with this great  truth and that for a second at least must have felt very isolating. There was no Sangha yet.

The lack of community and understanding is probably what I crave most. I would like that group where my family and I can share with others. After all, I am not a monk in the woods. I am a mom who wouldn’t mind sometimes having a meditation partner or another parent to share ideas and concerns with from the point of view of raising compassionate children.

During these periods I also keep in mind a quote from the Dalai Lama:

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness

Now is this quote specific to him because after all he is the Dalai Lama and his practice is beyond the need for the tangible or is this quote speaking to something simpler? Is this his way of telling all us lay people “hey, you have the teachings at your fingertips, you have the precepts, you have your butt so sit on it and just try the best you can”?

I kind of think the latter.

For my own practice I can sit in meditation, I can try each day to live by the precepts, if I fail I can make amends and try again and I can choose to live for others. Above all I can practice kindness.

So does it matter that I don’t have the Heart Sutra memorized? Does it matter that when I read the Koan about one hand clapping part of my mind goes to Bart Simpson? Probably not. My attachment to this idea of how it “should be” as to how it is causes this angst. Not my location.

I still wish I had a village for my kids. Recently my thoughts have changed too, do my kids need a Buddhist village per say or do they just need a place where they learn the concepts of kindness, compassion and recognizing each other as all connected?  More on that later.

Gardens and Earth Worms

A couple Sundays ago, I had grand plans of taking my kids to the botanical gardens and taking beautiful pictures of them in the sunshine and with the very early blooms our exceptionally warm spring had brought. I diligently watched the forecast. I invited other moms. I was all ready to go and then….it rained.

It ended up being a yucky Sunday for lack of a better word. Gray and breezy. Warm enough to be outside but muddy and all the play ground equipment had puddles at the tops and bottoms. I had promised Bug a trip to the gardens, which he loves because like all little boys he loves open spaces to run. He was disappointed.

So we decided to bring the garden to them and we planted a children’s garden in the back yard. We cleared a little plot, we let them pick out plants and we got to work. Our neighbor had rocks we could use for a border. The Bug and Bear discovered earth worms much to the delight of both. Bug spent a considerable amount of time asking which end was the head. I spent a considerable amount of time telling him whichever end it leads with or “I don’t know.” Both seemed reasonable answers to me.

We, my husband and I, are not gardeners. We have a cute yard with flowering bushes and low maintenance plants. We cut grass and trim. But overall we go with stuff that will need some water and some pruning and that is about it.

So at the garden center we really didn’t know what we were doing. We let the kids lead. Truth is the garden is just something for them to pick around in. I would love for their veggies and fruits to bear something so we can have the fun of eating it and so they can see their work produce results. But the real fun was just in getting dirty and playing with earth worms.

Bug picked strawberries and carrots to grow. His strawberries we bought as plants and the carrots as seeds. The Bear picked a tomato plant and artichoke seeds. I haven’t heard of anyone in Iowa growing artichokes. The package said we could. We shall see.

They were interested and engaged most of the process. They really enjoyed helping pick out rocks for the border and pulling weeds. They threw dirt at each other and dirt at us. Bear tried eating some and found it not pleasant.

It’s been 10 days now since we planted and last night I found a couple sprouts where the carrots should be so that is promising. The strawberries and tomato plant are still alive, also promising. The artichokes remain to be seen, figuratively and literally. But every night my babes are out there with their watering cans, looking at their plants and asking me about which end of the earth worm is the head.

I still don’t know and that’s seems reasonable to me.