Mother’s Day is coming up so in that spirit today I am going
to focus on me for a second. More specifically, my practice and the obstacles I
find myself encountering.
I live in the middle of Iowa. Pretty much literally the middle
(there is a nearby town called State
Center). I am close to a university
with a study/meditation group who meet during odd hours easily kept by
students, not so much by working moms. The nearest true Mediation/Dharma Center
is two hours away. So even just going one day a month means giving up the
precious Saturday or Sunday I spend with my kids. My working is an economic
necessity for my family. I am very possessive of those hours that are all mine.
So I have received no real instruction. Sure before the kids
I went to see talks and attended a meditation group and went to seminars. But
that was years ago and there was no one on one transmission, just large group
work. My entire path has been guided by what I read in books and online sources
like Buddhist Geeks. I love Buddhist Geeks by the way and if you haven’t
checked them out I highly recommend taking an afternoon to get acquainted with
them.
This lack of formal instruction has become an occasional
source of angst for me.
Most times it is just a fleeting thought. I will think about
it when I hear a speaker introduced and hear their course of study or lineage
of teachers. It will pass quickly because something else will pop up to take its
place be it kid related or work related or husband related.
However, there are other times this will fixate in my mind
for longer and take up headspace for a few days. I find this happens most during the spring and
fall when the world around me is transitioning while I am seemingly standing
still. During those times restlessness for deeper understanding crops up and
suddenly meditation is harder. With these periods of time I find that as the
landscape around me stabilizes and takes on its perma-brown of winter or
perma-green of summer the angst fades away and I too become calmer.
During these periods I find myself thinking about the Buddha
as a person. Those days just prior to and directly after enlightenment must
have been lonely I think. There were no teachers or books or internet prior to
his awakening to help he develop his mindfulness and then when he did find
enlightenment, there he was with this great
truth and that for a second at least must have felt very isolating. There
was no Sangha yet.
The lack of community and understanding is probably what I
crave most. I would like that group where my family and I can share with
others. After all, I am not a monk in the woods. I am a mom who wouldn’t mind
sometimes having a meditation partner or another parent to share ideas and
concerns with from the point of view of raising compassionate children.
During these periods I also keep in mind a quote from the
Dalai Lama:
There is no need for temples, no need for complicated
philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness
Now is this quote specific to him because after all he is
the Dalai Lama and his practice is beyond the need for the tangible or is this
quote speaking to something simpler? Is this his way of telling all us lay
people “hey, you have the teachings at your fingertips, you have the precepts,
you have your butt so sit on it and just try the best you can”?
I kind of think the latter.
For my own practice I can sit in meditation, I can
try each day to live by the precepts, if I fail I can make amends and
try again and I can choose to live for others. Above all I can practice kindness.
So does it matter that I don’t have the Heart Sutra
memorized? Does it matter that when I read the Koan about one hand clapping
part of my mind goes to Bart Simpson? Probably not. My attachment to this idea
of how it “should be” as to how it is causes this angst. Not my location.
I still wish I had a village for my kids. Recently my
thoughts have changed too, do my kids need a Buddhist village per say or do
they just need a place where they learn the concepts of kindness, compassion
and recognizing each other as all connected? More on that later.
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