A big step for the Bug

The Bug started preschool last week. We took the first day of school pictures. He asked when we were leaving non-stop the entire first morning. He hopped out of the car with his little backpack on and walked on in like he had done this a thousand times before. I had to ask for a kiss goodbye. He said “oh ya ya ya, (kiss) bye mom.”

I shed a couple tears but have to admit I found myself rather surprised that there were not more. I was completely convinced that I would be a mess that first day. But the night before, while the Bug slept with visions of learning centers and snack time dancing in his head, I was woke by a thunderstorm. My first thought was “Oh great, there is no way I will be getting back to sleep now.” 

I thought about how big Bug is getting and the Bear too for that matter. I thought about the pictures we would take in the morning and I thought about how upset I was going to be dropping him off. Then my brain asked, “Why?”

What do you mean “why” brain? Because my baby is starting preschool that is why. I’m supposed to feel old. This is bittersweet. You know brain all that stuff about him growing up and needing mommy less.

And brain said, “Yes, he is and that is the goal. We are working toward raising an independent person. So really, why are we sad? Isn’t this the point?”

And I said, “Brain, you just don’t get it” and promptly forced myself back to sleep because obviously brain was going to be a jerk. Nobody wants to listen to a jerk. Especially at 2:30 in the morning.

But that first morning while I watched my little man march across that parking lot with his little backpack. As I gave him final instructions about listening and being respectful and walked away to the car waiting for the waterworks to start, I finally heard what brain was saying. I looked at the other kids. Most were also happily marching in without a second thought. A couple looked a little worried and hesitated on letting go of mommy’s hand. Some moms were dabbing their eyes. Some dads were too.

But, for me at least, there wasn’t a sense of bittersweet. There was a sense of “wow, look at what I did. I made a person and today he is taking a big step towards independence and he is stepping with confidence and wonder and enthusiasm.”

And I found myself becoming enthusiastic for him. This marks a whole new time for him. This marks the time when he will be making friends of his choosing, finding out what interests him in the world, developing a new level of discipline and being exposed to stuff he might not at home. He will begin to learn what traits he likes in people and what traits others like in him. This is the beginning of team work, birthday parties with friends over family and “can so and so come over to play?”

I left with a sense of optimism. Then promptly told his daycare provider the wrong time to get him and he was left there for an extra 15 minutes. *sigh*

So, I almost got it right.

I close today with a Taoist quote, a well loved one at that: A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.