Failure.

It’s election day. Vote.

This past weekend was trying to say the least. I said when I started this blog I was flawed. I said I would stumble. Well, I flat out stumbled, tripped and landed square on my face this weekend.

The husband had to play in the pit band for a musical. A practice Tuesday night, dress rehearsal Thursday night, three shows Friday, Saturday and Sunday matinee, meant I was in single mom mode a lot this week. Saturday night the meltdown was with the Bear. She wanted to do crafts but not listen. Spilled beads everywhere, screamed at me when she couldn’t do something she wanted and then decided to hit. That was where I finally lost my cool. I yelled at her and carried her to her room, put her in her crib, shut off the light and shut the door. Usually, time out for the 2 year old bear is 2 minutes but mommy needed more like 5. It is rare I let her scream and cry but I did this night.

The Bear bounces back quickly most of the time. I go in, we discuss what she cannot do and out we come. She will usually exclaim “Now I happy” when we are done with time out. She will ask for a drink or a snack and it’s like it never happened. Her temper is violent but fleeting. She is like summer thunderstorms that pop up out of nowhere, are wild as can be, but over in 15 minutes and usually followed by rainbows.

Sunday was the Bug’s turn. He is testing boundaries anyway right now. There have been some time outs at preschool, an increase at daycare and at home. His two main issues are not wanting to follow directions/transitions when he is having fun and not being able to contain his talking. Seriously, he kind of narrates his life. So while dad was gone I got the Bear down for nap but Bug decided to start being about as noisy and obstinate as possible. At one point I sat him on the couch, turned off everything and made him sit there while I read a magazine.

Later that night he got into another fight with his sister and when he hit her I again lost my cool. I yelled and into his bed he went and I shut the door. While Bear gets angry and screams until she works through it, the Bug gets emotional and almost frantic. He doesn’t do this often but when he does I know that really the only way to calm him is to cuddle him and talk in a low soothing tone. But I was so mad and so tired of this fight from the past few days that I just didn’t want to “coddle” him. But the husband and I have this standing agreement that the parent who dishes out the discipline carries through the whole event. So after five minutes I went in.

We hugged and I reinforced the importance of listening to mommy and daddy and that hitting will not be tolerated. I told him that he is a good kid but his recent behaviors need to improve. I told him we have to practice listening to get good at it. He sniffed and nodded through all of it and then he asked….

“Do you still love me?”

If you have ever wondered what it feels like to feel so small you are dwarfed by a pea….I can tell you.

A lot of time was spent with me explaining that I will always love him. I might get mad at him, I might get disappointed, but I will always love him. He is my only son. There is no one else on Earth like him and there never will be. I tried to say all the right things. But in the end the best thing I said was actually to my husband when I told him…I need a break.

Bug is so laid back that when he loses control of his emotions he gets scared. He needs Mommy to set it all back to his normally calm seas. But I could not do that right away. I spend a lot of time reading books on mothering, I spent some time meditating, I spend some time with the texts but couldn’t find that calm center. It was a disappointing weekend for me all around. Mostly with myself because I couldn’t be what my child needed at that moment.

I don’t know how single moms do it.

“The fool thinks he has won a battle when he bullies with harsh speech, but knowing how to be forbearing alone makes one victorious"
Samyutta Nikaya I, 163