I am a hypocrite

This morning started out good. There was some cuddle time, PBS shows, pancakes and bagels and general calm. Then came time to get dressed and go to preschools. The fact that clothing wasn't optional became a huge sticking point. Cooperation was something that only happened in the movies. Mom, I don't care that it's going to be 76 degrees today, I want to wear fleece EVERYTHING! And suddenly there it was, five minutes before we have to be at Noah's preschool and we are getting out the door. Now, small town Iowa means preschool is 6 blocks away but still....

It was crisp outside, like fall should be, and there was a breeze. As a result of that breeze leaves were cascading off the hickory tree. It was a beautiful peaceful sight so I pointed it out to the kids. They immediately ran into the leaf shower and danced and laughed about how pretty it was and tried to catch falling leaves. The morning stress melted away and by the time I was marching Noah into his classroom we were talking about fall and seasons and snow that he is anticipating. The morning was reclaimed and calm restored.

Preschoolers are exhausting. Emotionally and physically and while I LOVE being a mother to my twosome, I have moments that feel just like I am utterly failing. And most of them stem from what I perceive to be my biggest flaw as a mother....I yell.

Um, what? Wait a second there so called "Buddhist Mom"....you YELL?

Hypocrite!

Ya, I agree and that is pretty much what my inner voice is YELLING at me the entire time when I find myself yelling. I'm constantly reading about new techniques and coping mechanisms. I'm always looking for the magic fix that lets me be the calm serene mother who rules the roost with love and equanimity. It doesn't exist. What I need is hard work. What I need is to really focus on a long term behavioral change on my part. Recently, I found The Orange Rhino Challenge and after reading her posts (which sound like my inner dialog) I realized this isn't about creating some wonderful utopia of a family, this is about controlling myself. Starting with letting go of that attachment to the utopia that frankly does not exist.

I'm not quite ready to start the challenge. I'm working at preparing mantras and such to hang up around my home. I'm working on establishing ground rules for myself and the kids in hopes that they are old enough to understand that Mommy is going to try and change this but it would help if they could participate as well. But I would like to engage in this challenge before the holidays. I think of it as a present to myself.

Anyone else who is interested can find more info here:  http://theorangerhino.com/