Lighting the Yule Log

Almost a month since my last post and what a month it has been. So many firsts here at home and such sadness and tragedy during what should be our merriest of seasons.

All I will say in regard to Sandy Hook is my heart is heavy and will be for some time. As I think all our hearts are at the moment. Like most parents I have hugged my children a little tighter, listened to them with more attention and played with them a little more intensely. I have also shielded them from the news. For all they know the world is safe and happy and Santa is coming soon.

So many little milestones have happened in our house this past month. Bug has learned to write his name and spell mom. He also had his first Christmas program. He looked so big on that stage in his little dress pants and shirt with dress shoes. He was really proud of the dress shoes. They are like Daddy's. There he was singing about Santa and snowmen and being the natural little performer he is here at home.

The Bear has transitioned to a big girl bed. As of last weekend we are a house without a crib for the first time in over four years. It is still very strange for me to walk upstairs and not see a crib. She did well with the transition. Only one night did she want back in her crib and about two nights later asked us to take it out. It went to friends who are due soon and she knows a new baby will be sleeping in the crib.

Another event Bear did well with this year was visiting Santa. Last year this was bit traumatic for her and we have the picture to prove it. But this year she got right up on his lap and told him about the Elmo Kitchen she wants.

Tomorrow is Yule and we have a Yule log. In a fitting turn of events we are on the tail end of our first blizzard of the year and the kids are experiencing their first really big snowfall. Watching them play in snow and eat snow and sled is wonderful. It's new to them. We had very little snow last year and never anything over 2 inches so the nearly foot of snow we received last night literally transformed their world. They also learned about the joy of a snow day since we are homebound.

So tomorrow night I will explain to them, as best I can, that it is the darkest day of the year but that each day after will start to get a little more sunshine and eventually it will be spring again. That is one of my favorite aspects of the Yule, that winter starts on the darkest of days and with each day getting a little brighter.

Then it's Christmas and all the magic that comes with that holiday.

I have no quote for today. Just the sentiment of keep your holiday, whichever it or they are, and enjoy all that you have and remember, everyday you get another minute of sunlight.

Merry Christmas.

A reason to be thankful

November 21, 2008 was a Friday. I was 37 weeks pregnant with the Bug. I was so uncomfortable and so sick of the non-stop heartburn. But I clearly remember waking up with some relief this day and being so happy to breathe. That morning the Husband looked at me and said I looked different.

I was sitting at work happy as could be and then the backache set in. I had been having backaches pretty often at this point and was a little annoyed I wasn’t going to get a break. At the end of the day my boss walked by to tell me to have a good weekend. He instead asked if I was okay and I said yes I have a backache. He joked “well, maybe I will see you next week” and I reminded him I was only 37 weeks with my first baby and so I probably had at least 3 more weeks of this hell to go through.

That night we went to our friend’s house so Nate could try some coffee they had been gifted. It was called Kopi Luwak. Here is the link if you want to read about this rather unique coffee. Let me just say I was happy to forgo the experience.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak

So there I was sitting in their only chair I was comfortable in and suddenly I thought for sure I had wet myself a little. I quietly slipped to the bathroom and took care of the matter and came back in the room. But when I sat it happened again. And somewhere in my far reaches of my brain where our more primitive instinct still lives I heard a little voice whisper…”that’s not pee dear.”

It was about 8 pm.

So I went to the bathroom again and when I re-emerged this time I noticed a quiet room with stares and said I think something is going on. Now everyone in the room was sure this was a bladder issue and having fun poking at me over it but I called my midwife anyway. The whole time pacing the room. While on the phone with her she asked if it had happened again and I said no and she said “sit down.” So I did and sure enough it did happen again.

“Come on in” she said.

We made the drive laughing and joking about this being the first of many false alarms and how I had promised Thanksgiving dinner to people and so forth. At the hospital the admitting nurse was a little perplexed too at first. I seemed fine, no discomfort, the whole thing seemed false. But they tested for amniotic fluid anyway. As the nurse left with the test she said to place my bet on staying or going. I said I was sure we were going home.

I was admitted about 20 minutes later. By this point it was about 10 pm November 21, 2008.

He was born at 4:59 am on November 23 rd via c-section.

Those 33 hours were spent laboring, pushing for four of them, and then 1.5 hours in the operating room. There was an epidural that wore off twice, a baby that got really stuck and a moderate blood loss for me. In the end there was also a healthy baby boy who weighted 6 lbs 15 oz and was 20 inches long.

Thanksgiving has meant so much more to me since. So much more.

This Friday the Bug turns 4. I think back to the day we brought him home. I was still in a crazy amount of pain from what I had endured. We came in the house and I sat in the closest chair. He was sleeping soundly in his car seat and I asked my husband “Should I take him out?”

I did and sat there holding him as he slept and wondered why they had let me come home with this little guy because I really had no clue what to do with him. I had never felt so unbelievably lost in my life. But I also thought he was the best snuggler I had ever met.

So here we are four years later. When he is sleeping I can almost catch a glimpse of the baby I brought home. His face is skinnier, he has grown into the incredibly large noggin he has, there is a scar on his forehead from his first stitches at 14 months, and his eyes are more greenish blue than the deep sea blue of his birth. He talks and walks, runs and jumps, argues with me and whines, and makes me laugh like none other. He is still a great snuggle partner.

Be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Birthday Bug A Boo

Failure.

It’s election day. Vote.

This past weekend was trying to say the least. I said when I started this blog I was flawed. I said I would stumble. Well, I flat out stumbled, tripped and landed square on my face this weekend.

The husband had to play in the pit band for a musical. A practice Tuesday night, dress rehearsal Thursday night, three shows Friday, Saturday and Sunday matinee, meant I was in single mom mode a lot this week. Saturday night the meltdown was with the Bear. She wanted to do crafts but not listen. Spilled beads everywhere, screamed at me when she couldn’t do something she wanted and then decided to hit. That was where I finally lost my cool. I yelled at her and carried her to her room, put her in her crib, shut off the light and shut the door. Usually, time out for the 2 year old bear is 2 minutes but mommy needed more like 5. It is rare I let her scream and cry but I did this night.

The Bear bounces back quickly most of the time. I go in, we discuss what she cannot do and out we come. She will usually exclaim “Now I happy” when we are done with time out. She will ask for a drink or a snack and it’s like it never happened. Her temper is violent but fleeting. She is like summer thunderstorms that pop up out of nowhere, are wild as can be, but over in 15 minutes and usually followed by rainbows.

Sunday was the Bug’s turn. He is testing boundaries anyway right now. There have been some time outs at preschool, an increase at daycare and at home. His two main issues are not wanting to follow directions/transitions when he is having fun and not being able to contain his talking. Seriously, he kind of narrates his life. So while dad was gone I got the Bear down for nap but Bug decided to start being about as noisy and obstinate as possible. At one point I sat him on the couch, turned off everything and made him sit there while I read a magazine.

Later that night he got into another fight with his sister and when he hit her I again lost my cool. I yelled and into his bed he went and I shut the door. While Bear gets angry and screams until she works through it, the Bug gets emotional and almost frantic. He doesn’t do this often but when he does I know that really the only way to calm him is to cuddle him and talk in a low soothing tone. But I was so mad and so tired of this fight from the past few days that I just didn’t want to “coddle” him. But the husband and I have this standing agreement that the parent who dishes out the discipline carries through the whole event. So after five minutes I went in.

We hugged and I reinforced the importance of listening to mommy and daddy and that hitting will not be tolerated. I told him that he is a good kid but his recent behaviors need to improve. I told him we have to practice listening to get good at it. He sniffed and nodded through all of it and then he asked….

“Do you still love me?”

If you have ever wondered what it feels like to feel so small you are dwarfed by a pea….I can tell you.

A lot of time was spent with me explaining that I will always love him. I might get mad at him, I might get disappointed, but I will always love him. He is my only son. There is no one else on Earth like him and there never will be. I tried to say all the right things. But in the end the best thing I said was actually to my husband when I told him…I need a break.

Bug is so laid back that when he loses control of his emotions he gets scared. He needs Mommy to set it all back to his normally calm seas. But I could not do that right away. I spend a lot of time reading books on mothering, I spent some time meditating, I spend some time with the texts but couldn’t find that calm center. It was a disappointing weekend for me all around. Mostly with myself because I couldn’t be what my child needed at that moment.

I don’t know how single moms do it.

“The fool thinks he has won a battle when he bullies with harsh speech, but knowing how to be forbearing alone makes one victorious"
Samyutta Nikaya I, 163

Attachment to labels

Busy, Busy, Busy. That sums up the past couple weeks. And as we go into the holidays it’s only going to get worse. This is my favorite time of year. I savor everyday between now and the New Year. I love the procession of Halloween, to Bug’s birthday, to Thanksgiving and the husband’s birthday is in there too, to Christmas and the New Year. Nine weeks of the good kind of crazy.

First a couple milestones: The Bear is officially 2 AND a half. One thing my husband and I notice is how well she articulates at this age and some of the funny phrases she has picked up from her brother. Phrases such as “oh you are best mommy in world” and “I need a little help here”.  She has also started asking to go to school. So we are going to start very soon telling her you have to be potty trained to go to school. 

The Bug is now into his last month as a three year old. I cannot believe he is going to be four soon. I have been trying to organize pictures of him and realize I now have a hard time remembering some of his baby days. Call it memory loss from sleep deprivation.  He is such a little person now. There is no baby, there is no toddler there is just kid. 

Now for the main course. 

A couple weeks ago a friend of mine posted this blog on her Facebook and I promptly read it, cried and reposted it. 

Here is the link:  http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/10/16/notice-the-good/

Go back through my short blogging history and you will read that Bug is easily distracted and has a hard time following directions at times. You will read that Bear is willful and shy and bossy.

But let me tell you about some of their other qualities. 

Bug is funny and wants everyone to be happy. He is creative in play and repurposes toys. He loves animals, especially our dog and one of the cats. He likes people and always wants to make new friends. 

Bear is also funny but in an almost sarcastic way that is way above her age. She is nurturing to her “babies” and learns quickly. She is affectionate and empathic. She is very observant. She has a talent for singing, dancing and drawing. 

Bug will blaze his own paths and you can’t do that by always following directions. Nobody is ever going to walk all over Bear because she has determination. 

The attachment we hold to certain labels we give our kids is nothing more than our perception and therefore not real. Is he easily distracted from tasks or just looking at the big picture? Is she willful or is she determined? Should I be making these observations at all because in truth they lead me to compare and contrast the two of them when that isn’t helpful. The Bug is the Bug and the Bear is the Bear. 

So the practice of mindfulness needs to be seeing them for who they are as opposed to seeing them as a sum of labels. 

Finally, its fall which means I cleaned out the pantry and I am now restocking it for winter. I keep a larger amount of food on hand during the winter for snow/ice storms that might keep us from getting to the store for a couple days. I try to avoid having to hit the store right before a forecasted storm and fighting with the hoards who think 3 inches of snow will bring the world to a standstill. 

So when it comes to the food waste tracking these last few weeks were not good. In fact I come in with a grand total of $37. Ouch. 

But I learned some things about what I need in a pantry, what I don’t and spent a lot of time researching the shelf life of stuff. So hopefully this time next year instead of cleaning out the pantry to restock it, I am just restocking it. End of story. 

Today’s quote comes from the Dalai Lama:

“In Buddhism, both learning and practice are extremely important, and they must go hand in hand. Without knowledge, just to rely on faith, faith, and more faith is good but not sufficient. So the intellectual part must definitely be present. At the same time, strictly intellectual development without faith and practice, is also of no use. It is necessary to combine knowledge born from study with sincere practice in our daily lives. These two must go together.”

Silly sleep

Sleep.

Sleep and I have a strange relationship. Until 2008 and we were good together sleep and I. Then I had the Bug. By the time he was 5 months old I was convinced he had a sleep disorder that prevented him from sleeping. Somewhere around a year he started sleeping from 9pm to 6 am. It was glorious.

Four months later the Bear was born and it started all over again.

Now here we are 30 months later. The Bear is still interrupting my sleep occasionally but overall I get enough sleep. But now I kind of wish I didn’t have to sleep. What I once coveted like gold I now kind of wish was not required because frankly I would get a lot more done.

If I had all the time in the world:

I would have a killer garage sale

I would get all those photos on my computer edited and organized

I would scrapbook

I would exercise

I would deep clean the carpet and hardwoods

I would NOT forget to pay the water bill (seriously if it’s not on autopay it’s late)

I would have a fabulous portfolio of brush paintings

I would cook all those Pinterest recipes I have sitting there online

I fantasize about having more time the way some people fantasize about winning the lottery. And I blame it all on those 6-7 hours of pesky sleep my body requires per night.

Now for some house keeping:

Two weeks food waste total is….~$8.00! I’m excited over this. I’m not going to detail what I through out. I will say I need to get a bigger lasagna pan and learn to freeze it.

As for the Preparing for 40 goals

I had my first word of mouth client this month. It was exciting. I’m thinking of new marketing tools and events.

Tomorrow I am going to the doctor for some digestive issues and I think it is time to have a good old fashion health assessment done. I’m going to ask for advice and tools to get me moving on this weight issue. I estimate I need to lose about 20 lbs. Not a small task but certainly not undoable. I want to be under 140 and this safely puts me there.

With the Bug’s birthday and the Husband’s birthday and Christmas looming in the shadows I wish I could say I am making better headway on the savings but I am not. Sigh.

Today’s quote:

Be a lamp unto yourself. Work out your liberation with diligence.

Transitions

Transitions

While I am a big fan of autumn and then the holidays, what I really enjoy most is ‘tween times. I like evenings and early mornings when it’s not quite light, not quite dark. I like the first few warm days of spring when you can feel the Earth start to rev up for another season of life. I like that first big cold push of autumn where you can actually feel summer break and know it’s not coming back again now for a while. And I like the equinoxes themselves when everything sits balanced for a day just teetering on going over the edge into either warmth or cold.

I particularly like living in the Midwest during these times.

Buddhism, as I practice it, has few rituals. My practice is more about the day in day out of things and trying to attain a certain level of mindfulness each day and approaching each decision with the litmus tests of the eightfold path and the precepts. But there is that other side of me that likes the ritual and craves the traditions that ground us to the Earth and her various webs. For that reason I am trying to establish traditions for my children that loosely follow the wheel of the year commonly used in Earth based religions.

I’ve consulted a number of books looking for kid friendly projects and also look through my new best love…Pinterest. The one I found that I like the most is a “found things” wreath or a blessing wreath.

I saw this in a book I bought a couple months ago titled “Celebrating the Great Mother Earth” By Cait Johnson and Maura D. Shaw.  The main concept is to make a wreath with symbols of autumn you can find in nature close to home. I tried to get my kids interested. First I invited them to join me in hunting for our things. I thought for sure they would like this part since my kids pick up every leaf, rock, berry, and piece of poop they find outside. But no dice. So, I collected our items.

Among items collected were wildflowers, leaves, grasses and clippings from our lavender.

Next I offered them to help me attach the items. Kids like messy glue right. Apparently, not mine. So I did that part too. But when I was done and brought it out for the family to see Bug exclaimed “oh cool Mom!” and the Bear asks about it every time we come in or out of the house. I at least got their attention. I’m guessing next year might be different.

It was also the first weekend cool enough to bake some goodies. I made beer bread Friday night and cupcakes Sunday. Oddly, there was no problem getting the family interested in those items.

Upcoming family traditions include our annual trip to the pumpkin patch and participating in our small town downtown trick or treat parade. It’s a fun downtown event where kids dress up and business hand out candy. Pretty much all of the kids in town show up in costume so it looks like a big circular parade around Main Street. It has a festival feeling to it like the last hoorah before we all retreat to our snug warm homes for winter.

I’m always hoping for reader comments so please share your traditions.

On another note, same topic, a couple weeks ago a friend of mine shared this on her Facebook. I read it. Cried. And promptly shared it on mine so others could cry too.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/devon-corneal/parenting-lasts_b_1874086.html

About three nights after reading this I was coming out of Bear’s room after another round of her exhausting bedtime routine and the Bug called for me. He still likes a little bedtime cuddle and I admit I like it too. We cuddle and talk about his day and preschool and stuff he wants to get. The Bear is a mommy hog so I cherish this extra little mommy and Bug time. While talking to him this article came back to mind. And I took some extra mental pictures.

I took time to notice how soft his hair is after bath. How crowded the bed is with favorite toys and books. I let him lead the conversation so I could get an idea of what is on his mind these days. That pretty much consisted of toys and staying home to play with toys and going to a bouncy house. But that is good because like Mr. Rodgers said “play is really the work of childhood”.

Anyway, I took the author’s advice. I took the extra mental pictures and while I feel pretty secure about have lots of cuddle nights ahead still, I know they will come to an end. In fact just this past week he has started to refuse letting me walk him up to the preschool door because he “is a big boy and he knows how to get there.” 

I’m starting to transition to standing back and watching him from farther away.

Go Bug Go. It’s not too far.

Keeping up with keeping track

I cleaned out the fridge again today since the last blog. Here is the list:

3 cups of homemade pasta salad ($2)
1 serving (deck of cards size) of roast beef ($2)
2 baked potatoes ($1)
1 yogurt ($1)
2 cups lettuce ($1)
1/3 bottle orange juice ($1.50)
2 slices of pizza ($2)

I estimated this at about $11.00.

It's not really about the money though. The juice I forgot was in there. The roast beef and potatoes just didn't get used. The yogurt fell behind the cheese and meat drawer. The lettuce again just didn't get ate. The pizza...well we always have some that gets tossed.

So not bad. I have been watching closer. But on the flip side,yogurt and juice for a light breakfast, pasta salad for lunch, a plate of roast beef and potatoes with salad for dinner, and pizza for a late night snack is probably worth a lot more to someone who is hungry.

A big step for the Bug

The Bug started preschool last week. We took the first day of school pictures. He asked when we were leaving non-stop the entire first morning. He hopped out of the car with his little backpack on and walked on in like he had done this a thousand times before. I had to ask for a kiss goodbye. He said “oh ya ya ya, (kiss) bye mom.”

I shed a couple tears but have to admit I found myself rather surprised that there were not more. I was completely convinced that I would be a mess that first day. But the night before, while the Bug slept with visions of learning centers and snack time dancing in his head, I was woke by a thunderstorm. My first thought was “Oh great, there is no way I will be getting back to sleep now.” 

I thought about how big Bug is getting and the Bear too for that matter. I thought about the pictures we would take in the morning and I thought about how upset I was going to be dropping him off. Then my brain asked, “Why?”

What do you mean “why” brain? Because my baby is starting preschool that is why. I’m supposed to feel old. This is bittersweet. You know brain all that stuff about him growing up and needing mommy less.

And brain said, “Yes, he is and that is the goal. We are working toward raising an independent person. So really, why are we sad? Isn’t this the point?”

And I said, “Brain, you just don’t get it” and promptly forced myself back to sleep because obviously brain was going to be a jerk. Nobody wants to listen to a jerk. Especially at 2:30 in the morning.

But that first morning while I watched my little man march across that parking lot with his little backpack. As I gave him final instructions about listening and being respectful and walked away to the car waiting for the waterworks to start, I finally heard what brain was saying. I looked at the other kids. Most were also happily marching in without a second thought. A couple looked a little worried and hesitated on letting go of mommy’s hand. Some moms were dabbing their eyes. Some dads were too.

But, for me at least, there wasn’t a sense of bittersweet. There was a sense of “wow, look at what I did. I made a person and today he is taking a big step towards independence and he is stepping with confidence and wonder and enthusiasm.”

And I found myself becoming enthusiastic for him. This marks a whole new time for him. This marks the time when he will be making friends of his choosing, finding out what interests him in the world, developing a new level of discipline and being exposed to stuff he might not at home. He will begin to learn what traits he likes in people and what traits others like in him. This is the beginning of team work, birthday parties with friends over family and “can so and so come over to play?”

I left with a sense of optimism. Then promptly told his daycare provider the wrong time to get him and he was left there for an extra 15 minutes. *sigh*

So, I almost got it right.

I close today with a Taoist quote, a well loved one at that: A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Teaching and learning and waste

So this will be a long entry and a little bi-polar. I want to recount a conversation with the Bug and then I want to discuss something from the news. They are in no way related but I don’t want to separate this into two posts.

First The Bug

Bug: Mom what does da da dum mean? (he sings this and his notes get lower and lower)

Me:  Where did you hear that song?

Bug: Mom what does it mean when I’m  lost?

Me:  That we can’t find you? (this is a question because I am confused)

Bug: NO MOM. My v-reader goes da da dum and I’m lost. What does that mean.

LIGHT BULB

ME: Honey it means you didn’t win.

Bug: So I lost?

Me: yes

Bug: But why did I lost?

Me: because some games have people who win and people who lose. The person who does the best wins.

Bug: But what do I do when I lost? (I’ve now given up correcting this to lose because the lesson is more important than his grammar). 

Me: You do two things. You tell the winner good job. And then you try again. You DO NOT get mad or yell. You can be a little sad but you have to tell the winner good job and you have to try again.

Bug: Why do people lost?

Me: Because we can’t be the best at everything. We each are good at different things.

Bug: Like checkers? (No idea where that came from)

Me: Yep, like checkers (went with it anyway).

First I seized a teaching moment. Sometimes I feel like these slip away. I got a choke hold on this one. Second, that night when daddy picked him up from daycare I asked him to give a little pop quiz. What do you do when you lose? Bug passed with flying colors. The verbal portion anyway. We will see what happens when he has to apply it.

The news.

Did you know that from farm to fork, America wastes 40% of its food?

WAIT WHAT??? We have people going hungry in this country and food banks with very low supply so how does that even happen? Well, I will let you read the report (link to follow) to see for yourself but let me say that one of the big surprises was at home the average family of four throws out 25% of their food a year. 

So for my family, we have a weekly budget of about $135 a week in food. If I am throwing away 25% of that food annually I am basically throwing away the equivalent of $1,755 a year. That is more than twice our house payment. The report says this falls in the average range. 

At first I scoffed. There is no way I waste that much. Then I came home and looked in my fridge. I clean out the fridge about once a week (before shopping).  So I cleaned tonight instead of Saturday. I threw out: a cup of left over sloppy joe meat, radishes, carrots, a bag of salad mix (now in liquid form), fresh salsa that had been pushed to the back, half a small container of cottage cheese, a sandwich worth of passé lunch meat and 2 yogurts. All in all about $17 in food. And look at this on a meal basis. Cottage cheese or yogurt, carrots, salad and a sloppy joe is a meal. I estimate I threw out about 3 lunches.

So the study says the problem is simple. In our country food is easily obtained.  We do not value it like other countries do.

As an environmental scientist this bothers me from a sustainability standpoint. Growing food and transporting food is a tax on our resources. Waste has to go somewhere. Waste taxes our land, water and air natural resources. We all know…waste is bad.

From the Buddhist perspective I look from a different angle. When I look at an apple I don’t see just an apple. I see sunlight that traveled millions of miles in 8 minutes. I see water that the Earth has recycles billions of times. I see minerals from soils formed 20,000-30,000 years ago. I see a farmer who worked to grow that apple. Someone who delivered it using fossil fuels. Someone who sells it in a place that uses resources as well. 

The universe is in that apple. Doesn’t that make it worth a bit more than the $1.98/lbs I paid for it?

So the report offers solutions (as good reports should) and one that struck me as easy peasy was using weekly menus. I’ve tried this with great intentions in the past but never stuck to it. I will be trying again. So let me offer up some websites to help out.

Basic family friendly menus (free too)

http://www.makedinnereasy.com/

http://www.hy-vee.com/meal-solutions/weekly-menus/weekly-menu.aspx

http://thisweekfordinner.com/

For the Vegetarian

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes_menus/collections/healthy_vegetarian_recipes

For the Vegan, try my friend’s site also child friendly

http://voyagetoveganism.blogspot.com/

So if you want the news story go here:

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2012/08/22/40-of-u-s-food-wasted-report-says/

For the report:

http://www.nrdc.org/food/wasted-food.asp

I just keep going back to that number $1,755 per year. A family vacation. Pay off a bill. Christmas, birthdays, and other gifts for everyone in our family for easily and entire year plus our date nights.

Imagine what a donation that size would buy a food bank.

So I will close with the words of the Dalai Lama: The root of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation of goodness.